


formidable

by fullsunrise



Category: SEVENTEEN (Band)
Genre: M/M, angst pure angst, based on a stromae song, broken soonhoon - Freeform, i'm sorry soonhoon, why did i do this to myself
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2017-12-12
Updated: 2017-12-12
Packaged: 2019-02-13 23:24:01
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 1,310
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/12994782
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/fullsunrise/pseuds/fullsunrise
Summary: soonyoung was wonderful. jihoon was pathetic.





	formidable

**Author's Note:**

> kinda inspired by this song: https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=XdAvX0Mvm4c
> 
> hope you like it!

 

**Tu étais formidable,**

( _you were wonderful_ )

**j'étais fort minable**

( _i was pathetic_ )

 

 

Jihoon didn't know what to do.

 

If he was a little less selfish, he would admit to himself that giving up was the noblest choice.

The both of them were like his favorite broken mug, shattered in countless pieces after a hard fall, and even the most powerful glue in the world wouldn't be able to bring back those fragments that had been lost on the ground, too little to be found, but too essential to be easily forgotten. 

 

If he was a little less pathetic, his heart wouldn't skip a couple of beats every time he saw Soonyoung's smile. Soonyoung's hands, laugh, eyes. Soonyoung's everything.

He wouldn't smile back, let alone laugh of the repeated jokes that came out of the boy's mouth, that weren't directed to Jihoon anymore. His fingers wouldn't fiddle out of his control and his stomach wouldn't become a nursery for those frenetic butterflies to the smallest of touches of his now  _just friend_.

 

Definitely, he wouldn't have to stray his eyes away of those lips. The ones that were so familiar one day, but now were nothing but the memory of a flavor that was too good to be true.

 

 _It didn't work out_ , he always tried to tell himself.  _And it never will._

 

The truth was that Soonyoung always was too good for Jihoon, in the most essential meaning of the word. He was all the synonyms for  _good_ that exist in the dictionaries. Kind, charitable, generous, supportive. _Wonderful._ And a million of others good adjectives.

Soonyoung, that would always take other's feelings in consideration, was hurt multiple times by life without any remnant of hesitation from the destiny. And Jihoon hated every little thing that hurt Soonyoung with all the conviction in his being, but, more than that, he hated himself for never being able to avoid them. He was useless, indeed.

 

Jihoon knew that he would never be good enough, always knew. But he managed to live with that thought for some time. Maybe, just maybe, he didn't have to be as good as Soonyoung, just good  _for him_.

 

Of course, that was until different paranoias came up in his confused and helpless head. 

He lived by walking on eggshells day by day. Jihoon was afraid of hurting Soonyoung more than he'd ever been hurt, afraid that one day he would say the wrong word and be the trigger of the pain of the one he loved the most. At some point, the fear of being Soonyoung's next disappointment had consumed his mind, his days and his nights. That dread was so solid that it could almost be touched, cold and sharp, spiked right in the middle of his chest.

 

It was unbearable. All the time. Agonizing.

 

They broke up between sobs and tears on a summer night that was too muffled, too painful. When Jihoon had put the last piece of clothing in his old handbag, Soonyoung asked him to stay. One more time, Jihoon broke into pieces, but forced himself to look stolid.

How could he stay? How could he live under so many uncertainties, so many insecurities, fears and pains?

The answer was easy. He couldn't.

 

"Nothing you say or do will make me stay, Soonyoung" he clarified for the thousandth time. His voice was too harsh even for his own ears, but it was the only way to make Soonyoung listen. "It's not you, it's how pathetic I am."

 

It was hard on the first months. Too hard. They had an identical circle of friends and loved each other too much to despise one another even after all those spilled tears, but it still hurt like a bruise that was too recent, too exposed. Pain was all over the place.

 

One of Soonyoung's jobs was as a barista on a depressing little place near Seoul, where Jihoon played the guitar and sang a couple of songs in exchange for some shitty money. They frequently saw each other, exchanged wavering smiles and followed their own different paths right after, and that was a cycle that repeated itself day after day.

At least it was like this for a while, until Jihoon couldn't deal with the longing anymore and went to the counter to ask for a drink or three as an excuse to hear the voice that still haunted his best dreams without being called. It had been months, after all. He thought that it wouldn't do any bad to have a friendly conversation whit an old friend. He would be fine. They would be fine.

 

What a mistake on his part.

 

"How is life, Soonyoung?"

"Going as it always went. Yours?"

"Every day getting more boring."

 

Embarrassed silence gripped the little bubble of unsaid things around them. Jihoon sipped on that too sweet drink. He didn't really care about the superficial taste, as long as the alcohol gave him some reason to be content. Or at least anesthetized.

 

"Jihoon?"

"Hum?"

"I'm in love with someone else."

 

The silence this time seemed to scream for a few seconds in Jihoon's ears before the adrenaline acted. Fortunately, the alcohol was enough to make him smile acidly and raise his glass aloft, faking a toast. Faking a lot of things.

 

"Well, congratulations! Who is the lucky boy?"

 

The truth was that Jihoon didn't want to know. He didn't care, or at least he really wished he didn't. He didn't want to listen about any new love, about no one else. He wanted to grab Soonyoung by the shoulders and shake him until he remembered how good they were together, how they would always be the only possibility for each other. He wanted to finally confess that Jihoon still belonged to Soonyoung and no one else, and that without him his whole world would lose its meaning.

But he couldn't. Never again.

 

Jihoon shook his head. Wished the best for Soonyoung before leaving. Decided to resign from that job the next day.

 

He left the bar that night with a heartache, as people say, the guitar suspended on one shoulder and the tears being dragged by the wind while he pretended everything was okay, but even the sky looked sad and dim. He took the bus, wiped the tears on his coat. It was a shitty night.

Maybe it could be useful to write a song or two. He knew that his story with Soonyoung would yield a complete discography, but decided he wanted to save most of it for himself. He would write only enough that he wouldn't choke on his feelings alone. His last selfish act towards Soonyoung.

 

The worst part was to remember those fucking happy moments that would never come back. Never. He suspected that the worst of the pains was the one punctuated by past joys.

 

He entered his apartment feeling too full. For many months he had felt only the complete emptiness. Emptiness on the other side of the bed, emptiness on the coffee table, emptiness in his stomach.

Empty, empty, empty.

 

Now, however, those regrets flooded him without any warning and it was overwhelming. They stirred in every square millimeter of his body in an uncontrollable storm. He buried his face in the pillow and let out the first sob, upset by the dumb jokes of life. Why did Jihoon have to fall in love with someone like _him_? Why did he have to be so inadequate, incomplete and useless if compared to the one he loved?

 

The truth seemed like it had been painted on the walls, carved into his chest, screamed into the wind by some major force. It was impossible to ignore it now that it had surfaced, and he wanted to shut up the universe just for a night, but he couldn't.

 

Soonyoung was wonderful. Jihoon was pathetic.

**Author's Note:**

> SERIOUSLY I'M SOOOO SORRY i love soonhoon i still don't know why i did this kdjslkjd 
> 
> i don't know if i deserve any kudos but pretty please? lol okay i'm leaving sorry again


End file.
